What is a neurodiverse child?
The term “neurodiversity” linguistically could be understood in its descriptive sense, simply diversity seen in neurology. At its core in parenting and developemental use, it describes a collection of different conditions that result from different ways a neurodiverse person receives and processes information, and different inherent default preferred ways of communication.
A neurodiverse child’s development and functioning differ from what is considered normal in society, or at least what is considered the majority. The term neurodiversity recognizes and emphasizes that differences in neurological functioning are a normal part of diversity, no different from different heights or even right vs left handedness.
Conditions or diagnoses that fall into this grouping include amongst others: autism spectrum disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Asperger’s, learning disabilities, sensory processing dysorders, and dyslexia. But importantly, I find it useful to to remember that these are diagnoses that help a physician in giving treatment options, or a school in giving support options that fall into funding. As a parent, neurodiversity reminds us that many of these terms are not illnesses to be cured, but are descriptive terms that describe an outcome of a specific type of neurodevelopment.
Thus, parenting, as well as schooling and society, should support neurodiverse children rather than trying to force them to conform to a “normalized” standard. Square pegs shouldn’t be forced in round holes, nor the other way around.
How do you know you need guidance for parenting a neurodiverse child? What are the challenges?
Every parenting journey is unique, but hints that support and further guidance might be needed include feeling that the parenting experience is completely different from what was expected and full of unanticipated challenges.
Parenting on its own is full of uncertainties, and this is only magnified with a neurodiverse child. There often are a lot of resources available to parents whose children may have an official diagnosis that falls under the spectrum of neurodiversity. Note that the term neurodiversity is not a diagnosis in itself, but ADHD, or autism, is, and often opens up more supportive programs that a school may have to offer.
Parents talk to each other. That is part of the joy – there is usually a supportive network of friends that you make while waiting around to pick up your child. Sometimes hints become obvious when speaking with the parents, you notice that others may not be having the same difficulties at home, or you notice that your child seems to have much more difficulty than his or her peers adjusting to certain aspects of the classroom. Perhaps the normal support network of other parents isn’t able to help you because they simply don’t understand what you are going through.
Perhaps even social events become a stressor. A parent might start wondering whether or not their child will be able to go to a birthday party, or they worry that their child won’t be able to eat the same foods their peers do (due to sensory issues vs allergies), or perhaps won’t be able to tolerate the noises at a laser tag game.
Maybe even school becomes a major stressor for parent and child, if the child can not seem “to adapt to a normal” style of teaching. There might be conflicts that arise from certain caregivers or the school.
At home, parents might have more difficulty understanding their neurodiverse child’s style of communication, their behavior and their emotions.
The very fact that parents feel that they might need more support and guidance show how much such parents want the best for their child.
What is the best mindset for parenting neurodiverse children?
The best mindset for parenting neurodiverse children is borrowed from Zen – Beginner’s Mind. Parents will have to throw out preconceived notions of what parenting will be like, and will especially have to throw out ideas of what “normal learning” and “normal child behaviour” is supposed to be.
Our idea of what our child’s life should be like are just that, they are just our ideas. They might not what gives the most fulfillment to a child who has developed different neurologically.
The Beginner’s Mind mindset would ask the question, “If I was in my child’s body and mind, what would a perfect day be?” A loud, birthday party might have been great fun for a parent when they were growing up, but would that be best for a noise sensitive child on the spectrum? Empathy is developed, alongside understanding. Parents always connect with their child, this Beginner’s mind and empathy helps to deepen this connection.
The ability to always be wrong frequently is a great trait to have, in any setting -so long as you try again. This leads to flexible and adaptive parenting, allowing new approaches and strategies to be tried. If a parent is not neurodiverse in the same way as a their child, they are parenting in uncharted territory and the mindset of recognizing that they are a complete beginner in this will go a long way to staying open and fresh to all possibilities.
This openness leads to the recognition that the talents and strengths of neurodiverse children are unique, and may differ from what is normally valued in the larger society. Focusing on these strengths helps to balance all the work that has to be done to negate some of the inherent challenges.
Is Neurodivergence Hereditary?
There is both a genetic as well as environmental aspect to neurodivergence. The relative roles genetics and the environment play vary wildly depending on the type of neurodivergence seen, or the diagnosis. For example, Down syndrome is thought to have a very large genetic component. The neurological changes that happen after a traumatic brain injury of course have a large environmental component, but even in this example genetic susceptibilities may contribute to a person’s response to the injury.
Other conditions, such as ADHD and OCD, have family studies showing high heritability for both conditions.
How is a neurodiverse child different from a child with autism?
Neurodiversity is a term that describes the biological processes that can lead to a variety of different presentations. One presentation that can come from a specific, less common, neurodevelopmental process (hency neurodiverse) is autism. Thus, autism is within the group of neurodiversity, but not all neurodiverse presentations fall on the autistic spectrum.
Will my neurodiverse child outgrow his behaviours?
Developmental trajectories will differ between different children even with the same neurodiverse presentation. Stereotypical behaviors may be reduced as a child ages, especially with different support and interventions, while in other cases behaviors will persist.
Neuroplasticity, or the ability of the brain to change and favor different pathways, plays a role in having specific behaviors and tendencies lessen. It depends on how ingrained and fundamental such pathways are, no different from how certain habits can be ingrained. Sometimes the neural pathways leading to these behaviors are so well-connected they may be hard to retrain. And at other times, such behaviors might be considered fundamental for good function as well.
How can I help my neurodiverse child grow up with regular childhood experiences?
This goes back to the mindset question above – often a Beginner’s Mind is needed. What we might consider as a normal childhood experience, might feel very abnormal, strange, and even uncomfortable for a child who has grown up and developed in a neurodiverse way.
As a parent, we are the ones who are most connected to our child, and even though it may not feel like it, we are the ones who may have the best appreciation of what our child appreciates as nourishing, vs stressful. Even if we feel an event might seem “different” or “bland” to us, it might be what gives our child the most joy, and thus, be what they need their “regular childhood experience”.
To support this, we can:
- Encourage participating in activities that the child finds pleasurable. If a neurodiverse child likes to draw, spending time drawing with them, or if we are lucky enough to have a school mate who also enjoys drawing, having a simple time set aside to get together and draw may help our child feel more connected to their peers.
- Encourage a routine. This might be as simple as having a set schedule for play, sleep, and meals. Often neurodiverse children do better with routine, and routine is something that is a part of most childhood development.
- Look for support groups online that preferably have local chapters. There may be not as many peers in your particular school grade, but many can be found online to share information and sometimes you will find a family that has children that socialize well with yours, in their own, unique way.
- Focus on strengths. Our neurodiverse children may have strengths that are different from what we grew up considering to be the most desirable traits. Focusing on their strengths and successes helps with their self image and helps to grow confidence. Celebration of strengths from parents can feel like winning a trophy with a sports team.