Can Your Child Defend Himself in a School Fight? -

As you may be able to tell from the other articles on my site, I do have an interest in martial arts. I also hate bullying. Although I have been very lucky in that I haven’t had to deal with this exact situation, I do worry about it. It’s too bad that I have to worry about my kids getting bullied but also have to worry about whether or not they can defend themselves without getting into trouble.

As a parent, you want your child to be safe and happy at school. You don’t want him to be bullied or hurt by other kids. But you also don’t want him to get in trouble for fighting back. So what should you do if your child is involved in a school fight? How can you help him deal with bullies and avoid violence?

Table of Contents

Why Do Kids Fight at School?

Kids fight at school for many reasons. The old adage about bullies being the insecure ones is likely true. Some reasons why kids fight:

They have anger issues or low self-esteem.
They want to show off or fit in with their peers. Social media sucks! Especially when you see people posting videos of kids being bullied.
They feel threatened or provoked by someone.
They have poor social skills or lack empathy.
They have learned violence from their family or media. Memes anyone?

Fighting at school can have serious consequences for your child. He can get hurt physically or emotionally. He can get suspended or expelled. He can lose friends or make enemies. He can develop bad habits or attitudes that can affect his future.

How Can You Prevent Your Child from Fighting at School?

We all plan and believe that one way to prevent your child from fighting at school is to teach him how to deal with conflicts peacefully and assertively. Here are some things you can do:

Talk to your child about bullying and violence. Explain why they are wrong and harmful. Teach him how to respect others and himself. The last thing we want is our own kid to turn into the bully.
Help your child develop self-confidence and self-esteem. In the martial arts, especially the traditional arts, people will speak of how you “carry yourself”. A common thug is more likely to prey on a slouched over, non-confident person compared to someone walking with confidence. Support this by praising his strengths and achievements. Encourage his hobbies and interests. Support his goals and dreams.
Teach your child how to use body language and voice to show confidence and assertiveness. For example, he can walk with purpose, make eye contact, smile, and speak calmly. With the amount of time teens spend hunched over on their phone, teach them to use their phone but while being more upright.
Do what you can to help your child nurture a good social network. Aside from helping confidence, this may protect him from bullying and isolation. He can also find support and advice from his peers.
Monitor your child’s behavior and mood. Look for signs of stress, anger, fear, or sadness. Ask him how he feels and what is going on at school. Listen to him without judging or blaming.
Work with your child’s school and teacher. Find out the school’s policy on bullying and fighting. Report any incidents or concerns. Cooperate with the staff to find solutions.

Teaching your child verbal techniques (that are useful for us too!) can be helpful.

if someone runs up you saying that you are staring at their girlfriend as an example (even if you weren’t) – say something like “Hey is her name Mary? She looks like a Mary I went to elementary school with. She didn’t by any chance go to so and so school did she?”
“I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” If someone thinks you are staring at their girlfriend or otherwise being disrespectful, this phrase can help to diffuse the situation by explaining your behavior in a way that doesn’t challenge their authority.
“Hey bro, whatever you are doing for your workouts, keep it up. I’ve been starting to work out and noticed how strong you look. What have you been doing?”

Consequences of Defending Yourself

Somewhat unfortunately, we need to consider and understand the potential consequences of a child defending themselves appropriately in a school fight. While some schools have a zero-tolerance policy towards fighting, others may take a more nuanced approach depending on the circumstances.

In some cases, a child defending themselves may face disciplinary action from the school. This can range from a verbal warning to suspension or even expulsion. The severity of the punishment may depend on factors such as the nature of the fight, the age and size of the children involved, and whether any weapons were used. And again while I have not had to experience this directly, in each and every case where I live, across three different schools, a kid who pushed back or punched back after repeatedly on different occasions being pushed and shoved themselves was disciplined for fighting back one time.

Zero tolerance policies that seem to sometimes apply mostly when a kid pushes back.

On the other hand, there have also been cases where a child defending themselves faced no consequences from the school. In some cases, this may be because the school recognized that the child was acting in self-defense and therefore did not violate any school rules. In other cases, the school may have taken a lenient approach towards the child’s actions, recognizing that they were under a great deal of stress and pressure.

How Can You Help Your Child Defend Himself in a School Fight?

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your child may still face a situation where he has to defend himself in a school fight. Here are some things you can do:

Teach your child how to avoid or escape a fight. Tell him to stay away from troublemakers and hot spots. Tell him to walk away or run if he feels threatened or attacked. I’ve told my children to text me a code word if they need an out and I phone them asking them to come home because of an emergency.
Teach your child how to use verbal skills to defuse a fight. Tell him to ignore insults or taunts.
- “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” This saying, attributed to Epictetus and the Stoic philosophies, emphasizes the importance of focusing on our own reactions rather than external events. When faced with verbal insults, we can choose to react calmly and with dignity, rather than becoming upset or angry.
Tell him to use humor or distraction if possible.
Teach your child how to use physical skills to protect himself in a fight. Consider a martial art that has some resistance sparring build in. Tell him to use only as much force as needed to get away or get help.
Teach your child how to deal with the aftermath of a fight. Tell him to report the incident to an adult as soon as possible. Tell him to get medical attention if needed. Tell him to apologize if he was wrong or provoked the fight.

Conclusion

As a parent, you want your child to be safe and happy at school. You don’t want him to be bullied or hurt by other kids. But you also don’t want him to get in trouble for fighting back.

The best way to help your child defend himself in a school fight is to teach him how to deal with conflicts peacefully and assertively. You can also prevent your child from fighting at school by helping him develop self-confidence, social skills, and coping strategies.

If your child is involved in a school fight, you can help him avoid or escape it, defuse it, protect himself, and deal with the aftermath. It is important to understand the potential consequences of defending oneself and to work with the school and legal system if necessary.

Remember, the most important thing is to keep your child safe and happy, both physically and emotionally.